... And Your Biggest Regret

Does anyone actually blog on here anymore?

What terrifies you most in the world? What is your biggest fear? Is it something tangible – you can physically point to it? Or is it something that goes further on? A feeling? And emotion? I have two absolute fears. One is loneliness - the other, failure.

Failure is the one that won’t stop creeping up on me lately. All throughout my life, I have generally succeeded at the things I put my mind too. School wasn’t always easy, but I managed to be a slightly above average student. I was good at school, especially in university once I found my true passions. I like school. Maybe not the stress associated with deadlines and the pressure of a full course load, but I love the learning. The discussions. The challenge of articulation. The never-ending supply of new information and knowledge. It is beautiful. Really. Because of this drive and passion, school was never something I failed at. Never failed an assignment, and I think I’ve only failed like two tests in my whole entire life. Seriously. I’ve also been ‘doing’ school since I was four. I am twenty-three now. (Well will be in a couple months). It’s ended now. Undergraduate degree and a professional degree are under my belt. For some reason, I felt like I needed a break from school back in January and therefore I wasn’t applying to any masters programs. I am actually kicking myself so hard for that. I wish I applied, I wish that I’d be starting school in a couple weeks. Doing what I do best – studying and learning.

Work was also pretty straightforward for me, got a job at McDonald’s when I was in the 11^th grade and I stuck with it until this past April. I learned what was expected of me and carried it out to the best of my ability. I liked work then. It was fun. I had friends and we made it fun. Eventually, I managed to move up the ranks and became a swing manager. That’s when it stopped being fun. I started hating going into work. They ruined it - stupid unorganized, lacking simple interpersonal skills people. Complete bullshit really. So I quit. After six years of working for the company, I pulled the plug.

And this is where the failure comes in. I’ve always done what was expected of me. Honour role in elementary and high school. Went straight into university after high school with a career plan in mind. Maintained As and Bs throughout. Worked at a part-time job throughout. Found a working balance between study, work, and party. And now that’s all done and over with. The next step is to find a grown up job. But what they forgot to tell us is that it’s not as easy to come by as they made it seem. They say that high school doesn’t prepare you for the real world, and I agree. But honestly, I don’t think university does much of that either. How can I find this magical job that is supposed to make the last five years of my life not useless? Or help me get out from under a mountain of debt? I’m scared that I’m not going to be able to get something remotely related. I’m scared that I might never be able to get a teaching position. I’m scared I may never be able to do what I love. I’m scared of letting down my parents. I am scared. Failure is a scary feeling. It’s also a powerful feeling. A feeling that has the ability to cripple.

With all this being said, I might as well return to writing my cover letter for a job in Oshawa that I would LOVE to get but probably wont because …

Finally, the last Polska Blog. Forgot I never uploaded it…

July 17, 2014

Wowowowowowzzzzzaaaaa! Its been a while since I last wrote. I’ve been busy? I mean that and I haven’t really been doing much to actually write a lot. Actually, I guess this last week I have been. Last week there was a lot of sitting around while my dad took his family to see their brothers and sisters and visit the graves of their families. I can’t really remember much of the week after Lublin. I drove a stick shift though! Woo! It’s not as bad as it seems with the clutch. I’m quite proud of myself. Even the instructor said that for the first time ever it wasn’t half bad. I’m just going to have to keep practicing and all will be well : )

We went to Bielsko on Saturday and I finally, finally, got to meet my godfathers grandkids. They are too cute! They are 5 and 4. And simply adorable. So many babies this time in Poland. I love it.

So every time we come to Poland, we make a deal to go to the city Wisła. It’s a really lovely and touristy city in the mountain region in Poland. It also has this one restaurant we absolutely love. They serve soup in a bowl made out of bread. It’s actually the best and coolest thing ever. But it poured for majority of the day so we didn’t do too much unfortunately. Man honestly, we are cursed with rain this time around. It rains everywhere we go. It rained for like three days when we lived with my cousin and it was cold so we didn’t actually go out and wander and do shit. It’s annoying really…

Tuesday we did Auschwitz. It’s now been my second time there but I didn’t mind. It’s a terrible part of human history but it needs to be remembered. What was neat was that we went later in the day and therefore we could go in for free. Technically, you can walk around the grounds for free because they want it available to all people. However, you are unable to enter between noon and 3pm without a guide – which you have to pay for.

If you ever ever ever make it do Poland, make sure you go to Kraków. It’s actually a beautiful city and so rich with history, culture, and architecture. For the few of you that I know that want to attend World Youth Day in two years, you will love it. Enjoy. Also, a tip if you need to go to the bathroom – so are marked with ¢⏏ (that’s supposed to be a triangle), boys, y’all are triangles and ladies are circles. But I haven’t been in Kraków in a while so it was nice to go again. We went to the biggest castle and cathedral (combo) left there, Wawel. After we went down to the rynek (I’m not sure if I explained this before but rynek = main square/downtown of a city). And then it started to pour. And by pour, I mean pour. I actually do not think I have ever heard thunder so loud and lightning so big and bright. Holy crap. We hid under a roof for the thunderstorm but it still rained when we decided to carry on. I wearing the worst shoes ever and decided to walk barefoot. I’ve been doing that a lot here lately.  The rain eventually stopped and we just wandered kind of aimlessly around the city for a bit – which was nice.

Finally, today is Thursday. The day was nothing exciting but the evening was lovely. Got to see my cousin Bartek and his family again and play with the little ones. We went straight to his działka and did a BBQ. I’m not going to go into detail – I mean, we didn’t do anything of any interest to write about. But it’s nice to have fam-jams and actually be related. I’m not saying that those who I call family in Canada are bad or anything – but it’s something else. Different but the best kind of different.

Today was also my second last full day here. And I’m sad. I wish Poland was closer. I wish my two worlds were closer together – or it didn’t cost so much for me to navigate between the two. I miss Canada in certain ways but in others, I couldn’t care less and could stay here longer. I miss my room – my four walls and my bed. That’s something that I really miss here, especially in my grandparents house because its tiny. I miss my friends. At least if I had that ability to be more connected with them, it’d be different. But again there’s no wifi here at my grandparents house.

Anyways, the clock is chiming midnight as I type this and I’m pooped. The kids wore me out today. Like no other. Goodnight!

See you soon (half sad/half excited)!

Perpetually undesirable. What am I doing wrong?

July 3, 2014

Quite literally stopped that blog mid sentence. But the reason I cut it off and left it was because my cousin and his wife came home. We had to get his backyard thing as soon as possible because my parents and grandparents were already there and my grandparents were annoyed that we weren’t and all those lovely petty problems. We spent as much of Sunday as we could there. It was nice but also kind of hectic. My dad’s side of the family is extremely moody and loves to just be mad at each other and make problems out of nothing. It also started to pour, like hard core. In about 20 minutes it rained massive puddles that I walked home barefoot because my shoes were drenched. That may have been what got me sick. That or Olivia (my cousin’s daughter).

In the previous blog I was going to mention how much beer drinking I do here. Especially with my one cousin on my dad’s side; the one I keep talking about. I think I failed to mention his name – Bart; at least the English translation. Bartek is so much nicer. Saturday we spent all day in the backyard thing – which I’m just going to call it by its Polish name from now on – działka. Got a nice little tan from that; more like a burn actually. It was nice, afterwards we had a dance party at home with the kids. It was fun and family filled. Sweet really.

Sunday as I mentioned was family filled fun with lots of nerves – as usual. As Bartek says, it’s impossible to last long in the family without drinking. And some truth is there.

Monday we finally went home. Home as in no longer staying with Bartek and his wife Ola in Katowice but to my grandparents in Mikołow. It was also either Monday or Tuesday night that we went to my dad’s friend’s house and spent the evening with him and his wife. I have pictures I want to post but he has them on his camera. I shall get them eventually and share them with y’all.

Today is Thursday and I am in Lublin! Lublin is western Poland and it is a city were my mom grew up in. So I have a large family here and its crazy but in a more hectic versus insane way. I kind of like it. We left Mikołow Wednesday around 11am and didn’t get here until like 6 pm. It’s about 380km but there really isn’t a decent highway to get from point A to point B here in Poland. I also felt like absolute crap that day. I mean my tonsils hurt and I spent all day in a half asleep state in the car. Today I woke up feeling better though still a long way away from healthy. Got to see my grandma from this side. And my cousin came in today from Poznań with his wife. So much family. Spent the whole day basically in Stare Miasto which translates to “Old City.” I think all the major cities in Poland have a Stare Miasto from my understanding. It’s comparable to a downtown in our understanding but its closed off for the most part to cars. It’s full of restaurants and pubs. Man, the nightlife here in Europe is amazing. Really nothing compared to what it is at our end. Granted I know I don’t have a particularly wild one but even from some of my friends’ stories it can’t be compared. I like the one in Lublin. It’s really lovely. Took a couple of pictures here and I got to even post some because I was picking up Wi-Fi here and there.

Anyways, that’s about it as a quick and kind of sort of boring update. I mean I’m doing a lot but also not a lot with my days here. It’s really nice to kind of take it easy and relax and just simply spend time with the family I don’t get to see often. It does prove to be boring to write about unfortunately. Normally my family runs around Poland and a little bit of Europe at least but none of that is planned this time. I don’t hate that though it does also kind of feel like a missed opportunity.

Anyways, I’m going to read my book for a little now before sleeping. Even though I’m not particularly sleepy – I should be resting at least at night to get better faster!

Until next time!

PS – totally rocked a Canada hockey jersey on Tuesday. Gotta rep my native land ;)

June 29, 2014

My loves! Hello again. Its been a couple of days since I last wrote. I’ve been hanging out with my cousin and his family since then. Totally love it. Omgosh, babies! <3 Currently my cousins went to the store to buy bikes and they left me and my sister to watch the little ones. I’m honoured that she trusts me, she’s super over protective over them – and I don’t blame her. So we painted art and we ate a snack and played and now we are watching a cartoon. Lmao, I could do this every day.

I didn’t do too much with since I’ve been here. I mean, none of it is particularly relaxing. They have a plot of land not far from their apartment. It’s a thing here in Poland to own plots of land so you have somewhere outside to be in the summer, kind of like a backyard but not beside the house. So we hung out there on Friday and Saturday …

Polska 2014

June 24, 2014

That my dears is the date of which I am writing this, when I will post it – I’m not sure yet. I have interwebs but not on the mac, apparently the internet I got is not compatible with a Mac. So, my dad’s friend has left us his netbook. But it’s crazzzzzyyyyyy slow. Yay.

Either way, Poland is the same as I left it four years ago, so are the grandparents. The exception is my cousin, he family has gotten bigger since. He has two kids now, a boy who is four and a girl who is two. I love them already! They are so adorable. Also, I like being called Ciocia (aunt). Would I be an aunt though? The cousin of their dad? Does that make me an aunt of a second cousin? What are second cousins? I don’t understand. I know I was told to call my parents cousins aunts and uncles and I call their children my second cousins. I guess every family does it differently, this is what they told their kids to call me so I’ll take it.

Tomorrow we are actually going to go with my cousin. He’s taking the day off work and taking us around Katowice. It’s like the Toronto to the Milton, in the sense that everyone knows Toronto and no one knows Milton unless they are from the area and even if you’re from Milton when you’re elsewhere you say you’re from Toronto. I have no idea what we are going to be doing there. I’m excited. I like my cousin. He’s fun to be around, kind has a “life of the party” attitude and personality.

In general, we haven’t done much. Did the typical stay up for 30 something hours to beat jet lag in one go on Saturday. Here’s the picture of our trip… left our house at 10:30am, our flight to Ottawa was at 2:10. Yes so we killed that much time, which actually didn’t seem like that much because there was traffic, and to check in the people in front of us had to repack and then the computer wasn’t printing my boarding passes so the guy tinkered with that a bit. The trip to Ottawa was really quick, only about 40 minutes of actual flight. When we landed, we only had about an hour of waiting before we boarded for Frankfurt. That was a long trip. Seven hours. Blarg. We landed at about 6am which sucks because our bodies clocks were on midnight so we were ready to sleep. Didn’t sleep a wink on the plane, you can’t just turn off the lights in my room and expect me to sleep. In Frankfurt we had two something hours of waiting time which was fine because it took us about an hour to cross the whole entire airport. Our plane left Frankfurt at 8:25am and we finally landed in Poland at 9:55am. So Canadian time it was 3:55am. There have been nights were I was awake at that time but still, the travel part makes it exhausting. Other than about an hour nap that I had, I didn’t go to bed until 10pm here so 4pm Canadian. Gah, the day did not want to end. Longest ever.

Sunday my cousin came over with his family. Love him and his wife and like I already mentioned, love the kids already! They pretty much spent the whole day here. Monday we went grocery shopping. The speed at which my grandparents move, it unfortunately took four hours. That means the whole day was pretty much done with. The rynek, which is basically like the downtown of the city and they are always packed with different businesses and closed off to cars, closes at like 5pm. So we couldn’t really do much outside. Today my dad’s friend took us around the area on a tour and to get us out of the house. Some of the places we went to he showed us four years ago. We didn’t say anything though, the gesture is nice. And it was nice to move about outside of the house.

But that’s all for this blog. Not much has been done. Kind of what happens when you get stuck without a car or a decent bus system. Or over protective grandparents… See you whenever next guys!